Douglas Carswell's Blog

What if ministers tried to put a tiger in the tank?

Tim Montgomerie, the Times' brilliant new comment editor, suggests that Downing Street needs a bit more of a "tiger in its tank".

But just imagine what would happen if ministers were to try to put a tiger in the tank?

First up, I suspect Sir Jeremy Heywood would try to quash the idea. "There's nothing in the Coalition Agreement about placing large feline objects in motor vehicles, Prime Minister".

If that did not work, perhaps, the vested interests would have a gentle word with that nice Mr Clegg?  "As Deputy Prime Minister, do you really agree with this? You might want to raise it at the next meeting of the quad"

But assume that Nick Clegg was, after all, prepared to back the idea because he was allowed to claim that he thought of it first. What then?

Perhaps polling experts in Downing Street would be called upon to find evidence that putting tigers into tanks did not play well in key swing seats.  Who can forget the way that polling experts could, for years, be relied upon to tell us that taking a more robust approach over immigration would actually cost the Conservative party votes?

Perhaps a memo from Cabinet Office lawyers would appear, pointing out that placing an endangered species in an internal combustion engine was against EU law?  "It is also contrary to the spirit of a number of international conventions to which we are signatories, minister"

Then there would be a note suggesting that placing a tiger inside a tank could be contrary to equality legislation, too. "And what if it went to judicial review, minister?"

I fear that we might end up looking to place a tiger in the tank at some point after 2015.

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